So many times I let my fear get the best of me. Today, I decided to not let this happen. Lena & I have been going to church together, and this weekend Lena was out of town. So that meant I could choose to go to church alone, or go with Erin. I wanted to hear the message at Mosaic, so I decided to venture out alone. I don't know why, but I've always hated going to church alone. I'm a pretty independent person, and have no problems going anywhere else by myself, but church has always scared me, especially when going to a fairly new church. Maybe because of past experiences in going alone, people thinking I'm a seeker and trying to convert me, insincere people, going to some crazy churches, and just having strange conversations. I'm a lot more confident in myself now, but still prayed all the way to church that I would be open and that I would not just walk in and find a seat. God definitely blessed me.
As I walked into church, Sarah from a small group I've been going to, almost tackled me with a huge hug, saying how much she missed me on Friday night, and how she's so thankful for me. It was such a blessing to get a warm welcome. As I was talking to Sarah in the entry, another girl, Colleen, came to talk to us. She just moved from Chicago the same time I moved here, and we became almost instant friends. So I didn't have to sit alone, but in the company of two amazing women. After church, I stayed a long time talking and meeting people, then went out to lunch with a group. It was so great to be in community, each person I have met has been such a "God-thing".
The service was on Fear today, and really hit home for me. The speaker talked about Peter, as he was walking on the water. He had the courage to step out into the unknown, then noticed the "wind", and let his fears get to him. The wind was his "what-if's", and they come when we are most stretched. Jesus knew that if Peter never stepped out into the deepest of fears, he would never know the dynamic life that could be imagined for him. When you live in all the "what-if's", you will drown in the ocean of all fears, never grabbing on to your potential future. Another thing the speaker said was that our fears dance with our insecurities. But we can chose to live in perfect love with Christ, and as it says in 1 John 4: 16-18, perfect love drives out all fear. With the perfect love that God provides, and Godly fear, that's when we can truly live the life God has for us. This sermon was good for me to hear, because of my fears that are eating at my insecurities. The fear of not finding a job fast enough, or fear of what I will do, they work on my insecurities of "what if I'm not good enough, talented enough, strong enough, etc.". They are irrational thoughts.
Through my counseling methods class at APU, I've been finding out the theory I like best, and using it on myself. Its the Rational Emotive Behavioral Theory (REBT) by Albert Ellis. This basically says that we control our ideas, attitudes, feelings, and actions, have little control over what happens or what exists, but we do have choices and control over how we view and react to difficulties. So we are responsible for our feelings about ourselves, others, and the environment. If I interpret an event with irrationality, I will internalize the feelings, and it will result in anxiety, guilt, and depression. The way we react to situations is based on our belief about the situation, not the situation itself. So if someone cut in front of me in line, and I got instantly mad, I would have to look at my belief system about the situation. In looking at my belief system, I could then realize the reason I got mad was because I feel like its disrespectful to me. Anyway, in the case with me having no job, and feeling upset, I realize its all about feeling like I'm not good enough. So, I've gotten to use my counseling skills on myself to realize its an irrational thought, and an irrational insecurity, and I need to change my negative belief system about the events in my life. :)
I've been learning a lot, challenging myself, and growing through this, and am thankful to God for the people and situations he's brought into my life. I am challenging myself to not live in irrational fear, but fear in my Heavenly Father in perfect love, and to grab on to the life He has for me. I can only be excited for what the future will bring!
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