the endless job search.....

I hate searching for jobs. It drains me. Its such a long process, and I always forget that when I get upset with myself for not instantly having one. I mean, I've only been here a little over a week. I hate finding a job that sounds so perfect, and realizing I don't have the qualifications. Or finding a job that sounds nice, but the hours won't work with my class schedule. Or finding a job, but I just need to take this test, and get those papers, and letters of recommendation, etc. Its such a process looking up jobs on Craigslist or edjoin, changing my resume and cover letter, trying to convince places that I'm worthy of hiring. Its a full-time job just looking for a job. I always have the fear I won't find something fast enough, or that pays enough, or that's the right fit.

I've made myself do some reading and devotionals, that don't have anything to do with homework or the job search. Otherwise I would spend all day and night online doing the job search, or doing homework, and freaking out. In this time of "making myself" read, I've picked up Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. I read it once my freshman year of college in Personal Growth and Helping Others, but just kind of skimmed through. Now, picking it up again, I realize what an amazing book it is. I've only read a few pages, and already I'm blogging about it (who would have thought!). Something that hit me is this:

"One night a friend asked his handicapped son, 'Daniel, when you see Jesus looking at you, what do you see in His eyes?' After a pause, the boy replied, 'His eyes are filled with tears, Dad'. 'Why Dan?' An even longer pause. 'Because He is sad.' 'And why is He sad?' Daniel stared at the floor. When at last he looked up, his eyes glistened with tears. 'Because I am afraid'.

Manning says this "The sorrow of God lies in our fear of Him, our fear of life, and our fear of ourselves. He anguishes over our self-absorption and self-sufficiency. Today the heart of God is an open wound of love. He aches over our distance and preoccupation. He mourns that we do not draw near to Him. He grieves that we have forgotten him. He weeps over our obsession with muchness and manyness. He longs for our presence."

Wow. In my attempts to live my life, sometimes I forget that God desperately wants me to draw near to Him. Instead of keeping myself busy and worrying and being fearful, He WANTS me to lean on Him. Instead of being self-absorbed, He wants me to remember WHO is King of my life. When I was in South Africa, we prayed everyday, for hours, not because we just remembered to do it, not because it was the right thing to do, but because our LIVES depended on it. Why don't I live my life like that in the United States also? My LIFE is to serve the Lord, to live out the gospel, to love. Everything else compared to that is meaningless. In this time of uncertainty with a job, I need to rely on the Great Sustainer and Author.

So...what am I praying for in a job? I don't want to settle. I want to be used. I don't want it to be a waste. I want to serve, and feel like I make a difference. I want to be challenged and grow, but don't want to be too overwhelmed and busy. Too much to ask? With every experience I've had with jobs, I've been so blessed and have learned so much. God hasn't let me down yet, and I'm running to Him and being embraced by His presence.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, wiht thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcents all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:5-6