Pulled

I can't sleep. I'm trying to prepare my heart and mind for returning to California, but it's hard. Really hard.

I constantly feel pulled in two directions. I long to travel, to explore, to experience, to get out of my comfort zone. I long to fly. On the other hand, I long to be close to my family, to be connected to my small town, to be in a place where yes, everybody does know my name. I long to have roots. I feel a pretty much 50-50 to these two areas. Why? Why can't I just be one or the other?

I am excited for what California brings when I go back. I feel much more sure about going there than I did last August when moving. I have a community. I have incredible friends. I have a great and flexible job. I love my program. But my heart honestly breaks at leaving my parents. My whole life has changed. I have changed. California has changed. Where do I fit?

I sat on my bed just crying, and thought about the thousand other times I've cried in that bed for the 18 years I've had it. I thought, surely this time it is the worst. The situation is the worst. But no, there will always be something else, and that's life. And although I think things are hard now, I will be able to look back on this and know the growth that came from it. Just like I have with my other "break-downs" of break-ups, disappointments, fears, failures, and other trials. I can say with full confidence that God will use this, and will use me. He will provide. He will uplift me. He will renew me. He will restore my soul.

O LORD, please guard and guide my heart, for it is unsure, it is hurting. You know my heart, and I wait on you. Where You lead me, Lord, I will follow. I place my trust in You.

Psalm 28:6-8

⁶ Praise be to the LORD,
for he has heard my cry for mercy.

⁷ The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.

⁸ The LORD is the strength of his people,
a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.